As I have said before I want this to be my safe place where I can talk about what is going on in my head. Well what is going on is not a happy place at the moment.
My fiancee and I have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years now and still nothing. I am not going to lie I have been at my lowest point over this time, I feel like I am the one who is at fault.
Since setting the date for the wedding we haven't been trying, as knowing my luck it would be when I got pregnant and we wouldn't be able to save for both. Although after going to the doctors a while ago I got an appointment to go and have some test done to see what is going on. I am honestly so scared. I think it is because as long as I hadn't seen a specialist in my head I can think what I like, but once I have been and the doctor has the results, I have to face the reality.
Since booking the appointment I have been getting upset when I am around children. A few weeks ago myself and Paul were in a lift with three families all of which had children and it honestly made my heart hurt. I just kept thinking that we will never have that. The pain increases even more when I hear on the news that the rules on IVF may be changing soon and that when adopting you are not looked on well if you are a plus size person.
I feel like I will never have children, when all I want to do is have a family with Paul.
My head is all over the place when it comes to this topic and it hurts to think about it so I think I am going to stop now. I just wanted to share a little bit of what is going on in my head, also I think if I write it down and put it out there in the universe maybe it will help me a little.
See you soon
Lots of Love